Don’t Fix Me

My fourth miscarriage…. I can hardly believe I’m writing those words. Four miscarriages in eleven months has left Michael & I reeling. It feels like just when we’ve gotten our feet back under us, just when we feel we can hope again, we’re knocked back down by more loss and confusion. We have more questions

A Letter to My Child On Your Due Date

Dearest little one, Today is your due date…our due date because I marked this day on my calendar and dreamed of the joy and changes this day would bring to our lives. We would be holding you this day in our arms, marveling over your perfection and beauty, feeling our hearts swell with love and

Reflections on the Eve of My Due Date

It’s the eve of my first due date, and I am feeling a vague bitterness towards life and all the things I didn’t previously know, all the misconceptions that have been savagely torn away from me, the rose-colored glasses that have been ripped from my face. And all this while I see others walking around

Invisible

On March 29, I suffered my third miscarriage. This one was different. There was no positive home pregnancy test that propelled us into hoping and dreaming of our little bundle of joy. No conversations of planning for the future, not even whispers of fear to each other, wondering if we may lose this one too.

Your Inner Circle

One of the most difficult aspects of both infertility and miscarriage for me has been the feelings of isolation. Since there will only be a small group of people who have walked in our shoes and gone through similar experiences, we will not have a large support group (if we have one at all). Fortunately,

When Will It Be My Turn?

It’s been over 2 years since my husband and I started trying to get pregnant, 13 weeks since my first miscarriage, and 6 weeks since my second. When will it be my turn? Everywhere I go, I see babies, pregnant women, families with their children. When will it be my turn? Even on social media,

Miscarriage #2

This pregnancy took my husband and I completely by surprise. No fertility treatment was needed. That is a victory in and of itself, but I can’t muster up the optimism quite yet to celebrate. I had been feeling lightheaded, which prompted me to take a home pregnancy test; but I never truly expected it to

When You Can’t Trust Your Heart

Since my miscarriage, my heart has been struggling with a tumult of many different emotions. The grieving process alone encompasses guilt, denial, anger, isolation, depression, and acceptance (not necessarily in that order). Add in a sense of betrayal, a shattering of security, anxiety about the future, and the loss of a life that we couldn’t

The Child I Wonder About

Today marks 1 month since my miscarriage. These are the thoughts in my heart today. The Child I Wonder About You tiptoed softly into my life. I was surprised to find you there;  But as soon as I knew of your presence, I handled you with care.  You filled my heart and moments. I dreamed

Miscarriage

Where do I begin? In all our struggles with infertility, I never imagined the pain of miscarriage would be added to our pile. And yes, right now it feels like a pile-a huge pile that is threatening to smother me, push me down, and never let me rise again. This emptiness is heavy! There is